Heads High
by LemonyWickedAwesome
Summary: What happens when Integra gets high? Read find out! WARNING, a bit crackish, Rated M to be safe.
1. Heads

**Lemony:** Ok, I'm an idiot for writing this but I couldn't help it, this is my **FIRST** Hellsing Fanfic so please enjoy….

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Disclaimer: Hellsing isn't mine. If it was you'd have this…

"Is the mission complete?" Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing asked her vampire subordinate. Alucard smiled, his fanged teeth gleaming.

"Yes, my master." He said simply,

"Did you recover the stole artifacts?" She continued pulling a cigar from her the breast pocket of her tailored suit, placing it to her lips, and lighting it. Alucard nodded and pulled out something that small and cylinder shaped, wrapped in white paper.

Integra leaned upwards in her chair leaning on her desk, she was studying the small object. She thought for a moment it looked like toilet paper.

"What is this?" She said taking the mysterious object from Alucard and examining it, it looked like a cigarette without the butt.

"I'm not sure, master." Alucard admitted, Walter stood in the corner and snickered as she approached the desk.

"I know exactly what that is Sir Integra," He said leaning in to make sure he wasn't mistaken.

"What is it then?" Integra asked curiously wanting to know what in God's name had all these vampires riled up, this little thing had caused so much chaos in the occult community and it was her job to stop it.

But first to find out what the hell it was.

"It's a joint, ma'am." Walter said smiling broadly, Integra and Alucard arched an eyebrow. They really had no fucking idea what he was talking about, Walter let out a frustrated sound.

"A joint, a blunt, a stiff…you know, weed."

Alucard and Integra still looked confused, they knew all about occult knowledge but when it came to things like this they where both clueless.

"Its marijuana." Walter finally said, and they both nodded finally knowing what he was talking about.

"Why would vampires wage war over marijuana?" Integra asked both the men who shrugged, she arched an eyebrow at both of them.

"There must be something about it that makes them lose their bloody minds." She said, Walter and Alucard shrugged, even though he was a vampire, Alucard never touched weed because he never had a use for it.

"Well, what does it do?" Integra asked Walter who seemed to know all about the joint in her hand.

"It…well…I'm not entirely sure." Walter admitted, true he knew it went by many names but he know real clue what it did. "The effects of everyone are different for everyone."

Integra smirked, "Walter, have you done this before?"

Walter turned a furious shade of red, "once," He confessed, "In my youth."

"Well, if the effects are different for everyone, we all have to try it and document it," Integra finally said, "Alucard, summon Seras, she'll be part of this as well."

In no time at all, there stood Seras looking at the pot. Being a police officer she knew it was nothing to mess with!

"Sir Integra! Why do you have marijuana?" She gasped as Integra placed to her mouth and waited for Walter to light it.

"Testing it," Integra replied, and just like that they where off getting high as kites.

~Two Hours Later~

None of them knew what the fuck happened. One minute they where all passing around the blunt, the next minute Integra was standing on her desk dancing!

"DO DA STANKY LEG!" She sang rolling her shoulders and swiveling her leg, her glasses where askew and her suit disheveled. Seras was in the corner, asleep, completely limp and not moving snoring so loud it echoed through the office. Alucard was laughing to himself, cracking the hell up. "Sir Integra, what do you get when you cross a penis and a patoto? A dick-tater!" And with that Alucard cracked up some more "Damn, I want some Cheetos."

Walter was in the center of the room shaking his ass to invisible music only being egged on by Integra. He put his hands over his head and shook his ass like a stripper.

"Shake what ya' momma gave ya!" Integra yelled to Walter who rolled his ass happily.

"Walter! Teach me how to dougie! Teach me how to dougie!" Integra cackled swinging her arms over her head. Seras let out a loud snore.

"I WANT CHEETOS DAMMIT!" Alucard hollered,

"Cheetos sound really good right now…or brownies…or both." Integra said rubbing her stomach, "I'm starving!"

"CHEETOS!" Alucard yelled before laughing at himself. Just then Integra's office door opened.

And there stood the merry Queen of England.

The Queen froze as she took in the sight before her. It was a bloody circus at Hellsing headquarters.

"Hey there, Quenny!" Integra said falling off her desk and hitting the floor right on her ass. The Queen gave them all a disgusted look, Walter didn't noticed he was too busy stripping off clothes. Seras was still snoring.

"Excuse me, your majesty," Alcurad said approached the stunned royalty, "But do you have any Cheetos?"

He laughed out loud in the Queen's face.

The Queen arched an eyebrow, " Your all high aren't you?" She asked, they all sobered quickly, except Seras who was . They all nodded sullenly.

The Queen smirked, "Can I get a hit?"

THE END?

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**Lemony**: Ok, yes I'm idiot. But hey, we all have our little problems…REVIEW!


	2. High

**Lemony:** And the crack continues…

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Pretty soon the Queen was hitting the blunt harder than Snoop Doggy Dog. She did it so good, she became The Queen Doggy Dog! She was on top o Integra's desk dancing alongside her while egging on a stripping Walter. He was down to his pants and swinging his shirt over his head.

"GO WALLY! GO WALLY! GO WALLY!" The Queen and Integra sang, being egged on by the high women, Walter rolled his ass and began humping Integra's desk while whispering naughty things to it.

"You know, I clean you off everyday…but you never talk to me…" He whispered to the furniture, "you gonna swing those long legs my way…"

"!" Alucard hollered running around the room, "Cheetos are crawling on me!" He cried patting down his suit like a madman.

So this is what government officials do in their spare time, get high as kites/

Integra and The Queen were dancing on the desk.

Alucard was flipping the fuck out.

Seras knocked the hell out.

And Walter… was making love to desk!

Walter wildly humped the desk making it slide across the floor. "WALTER!" Integra yelled, he stopped momentarily.

"GET A ROOM!" Integra laughed

"Cheetos are crawling on me!" Alucard hollered, "Seras help!"

And Seras responded by rolling over and snoring.

"QQQQUUUUUAAAAA-CHOOOOOOO"

Integra and The Queen meanwhile where having a dance contest.

"I'M NOT YO DADDY I'M YO GRANDPA!" The Queen sang flapping her arms like a wild chicken.

"DON'T STOP! GET IT! GET IT! LET ME PUT SOME PIMPIN' IN IT!" Integra yelled thrashing on top of the desk before falling off again, this time landing on her face. She stood and scrunched up her face.

"Ouch…" She said unenthusiastically,

"Hahahahah! Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing,"

"Yes, Quenny?"

"You…GOT SERVED!" The mocked still flapping her arms as if trying to take off like a bird. Integra cracked up laughing when she fell off the desk onto her royal ass.

"Cheetos aren't suppose to crawl on you!" Alucard said doing a full three-sixty. He stopped and his eyes got wide glazed over,

"Do you guys see what I see?" Alucard asked, "I see a rabbit…I can eat him!"

It wasn't a rabbit Alucard was looking it, it was the waist basket next to Integra's desk…which Walter was still trying to impregnate.

"I want you to have all my babies….we'll name them Walter Junior and Desky." He said still raping the poor table.

"Walter so horny! Him love you long time!" The Queen cackled at the high man, Walter wasn't listening, he was busy dry humping his desk lover. Alucard meanwhile, had the tackled the waist basket and gobbled it down.

"That bunny was delicious." He said licking his lips,

Seras was still asleep.

"QUUUUAAAAAHHHH-CHOOOOO!"

"You just ate a waist basket, stupid!" Integra yelled, Alucard shrugged,

"Waist baskets are delicious then."

"SERAS! WAKE YOUR ASS UP!" The Queen yelled, Seras snorted but stayed asleep.

"Are there anymore waist baskets to eat?" Alucard said rubbing his stomach looking at the desk watching Walter hump the paint off of it.

"Walter, why are you sexing that giant piece of chocolate cake?" Alucard asked giggled slightly,

Walter stopped his crazed shirt-less thrusting and looked at Alucard,

"Walter…I want that piece of cake…" Alucard growled, Walter's eyes got impossibly wide,

"YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!"

With that they began a bout of tug-of-war over the piece of cake/ desk woman.

"Quenny, I want a rematch!" Interga cried breaking out in the Funky Chicken, the Queen and started Pop-Locking!

They even started freestyles.

"House on the ground, bass in yo' face, all in the place, no time to waist! Being hypnotize! I see in your eyes! Feeling kinda beta' put on a sweata'!" Integra rapped,

"Get down with sound, house on the ground, freeze when I squeeze up to your knees! You ain't ready for this!" The Queen rapped still rolling her legs.

"GIMME THE CAKE!" Alucard yelled pulling the desk

"SHE'S MINE!" Walter hollered pulling back

After a while Alucard pulled so hard the desek went flying out the window!

_CRASH! _

With that, The Queen and Integra stopped dancing, Seras woke up, and Alucard and Walter looked sad.

The moral of this story: Read a book, don't ever do drugs.

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**Lemony**:…*rotflmfao*…REVIEW!


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